Do you enjoy over the top acting, dramatic delivery, laughter so high pitched that will make your brain haemorrhage and bad eyebrows? Have you ever sold your body for booze and/or killed a horse? If all that sounds appealing Sarah T. – Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic is the movie for you, if not you are a square but you should give this a chance still because is a pretty fun watch.
As I anticipated just by only reading the title and the fact that was made in the 70s, this flick is a glorious cheesefest from start to finish, and since it comes from the brains that invented Dynasty, don’t be surprised if it has a soap operesque feel to it. Directed by Richard Donner, better known for classics such as The Omen, Lethal Weapon, The Goonies, and a bunch of Twilight Zone and Tales
Sarah T. – Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic is the story of Sarah Travis who is 15 years old and is been a booze head for a couple of years already (exactly two years before she had demons expelled from her body – Coincidence?). We don’t get to see how the spiral down the bottle started because I'm guessing its beyond the point of the whole movie which is: hooch is bad. What is the reason of her addiction? Well, apart from the fact the she obviously enjoys the taste of it, her expression while taking a sip is pretty self explanatory, the causes are standard: divorced parents that don’t like her that much (what parent like their teenage kids really?), being socially awkward (only when sober, give her a few drinks she becomes the life of the party), falling madly in love with dudes after 2 weeks of knowing them (even when the boy of your dreams has other side bitches), having a perfect sister (not sure how, probably just because she doesn’t live at home anymore), and also the fact that the adults in her life that are supposed to set the good example, but are functioning alcoholics doesn’t help (I know it’s not real booze but watching all these actors chugging fake vodka and whiskey straight made me want to puke). Sarah is getting worse and worse and as they say, you need to hit rock bottom before you can get better. Will she become a model citizen or she will end up dead in a ditch? Will the romance with Mark Hamill flourish or she's gonna get dumped for someone with better eyebrows?
Talking about Mark Hamill, that as you might have guessed is Sarah's love interest, is getting the star for the most credible acting, but to be fair it isn’t hard to shine next to Linda Blair in this film because even though I love her deeply for scarring me for life in the Exorcist, without pea soup all over her, yellow contacts and creepy voice overs she just gives a mediocre performance. But again the dialogues sure didn’t help, this movie makes Star Wars seem as well written as a Tarantino film.
Shocking fact: no DVD or VHS exist of this movie, as in it was never made – EVER. I find this crazy beyond any comprehension as both Linda Blair and Mark Hamill fans (that are respectively billions - not even counting J.R.’s), would jump at the opportunity to own this oddity. They should ask for advice from the marketing team behind Suicide Squad to take care of the promotion for this, we all know they are miracle workers. Also since the one you can find online is just crap, what this flick desperately needs is a remastered edition. Just make it happen, dang it! I need this in my dvd collection!
Written by Magali Fazio
Screw the trailer, here's the full movie since is on YouTube, but be warned, as the picture quality is terrible.