I couldn’t even feel any kind of sympathy for the three protagonists. Within the 1st five minutes I already had enough of Heather’s voice and I couldn't wait for her to die a horrible death, which unfortunately will never come, at least not on camera. But if I have to rely to my own imagination for entertainment what the fuck is the point of a MOTION PICTURE? Dude #1 Mike starts off as a cry baby and I was just praying for him to fall in the river when he was crossing it on the log – surprisingly he becomes the one that tries to keep the group together, but by that stage is too little too late and I'm still hoping for him to fall while he’s running away from ‘voices and steps’ in the night and crack his head open on one of the omnipresent rocks. Dude #2 Josh is in the beginning the normal one of the bunch, but deprived of smokes make him a colossal asshole and I praised Jeebers as soon as his sorry ass was gone. I mean, I couldn’t stand Heather from the start but he was just being a straight up douchebag to her, after all she was in the same situation as everyone, there’s no need to make her feel like a bigger piece of shit just because the documentary was her idea and she was the one that got them lost. Ok, maybe she did deserve some of the abuse.
I mean, if you are mad into walking in plain boring looking forests (not even a cool one like Aokigahara) you probably find it orgasmic. If you love looking at rocks and sticks this is the movie for you. For me The Blair Witch Project just did absolutely nothing. I lie. The scene when Heather apologise to all the mothers (because fathers don’t count two shits) still made me cry in disgust when she eats rivers of her own snot, but come on! That cannot be the highlight of a movie! What’s the most memorable scene of the new one gonna be like? Some dude scratches his ass and then smells it?
Written by Magali Fazio
Here's the discussion our friends at Mild Fuzz had on this and the second Blair Witch. Did they hate it as much as us? I don't think it's possible.